what is up with death?

so it has just been one of those weeks...tomorrow will mark exactly a week that my phone rang and the news came...you know 'the news' ..news that no one likes getting... i knew that it wasn't good the moment my dads voice was on my voice mail- you just know it in the 'tone' ... there is the sound that is there at that moment that is not there at any other time... like the time he called because he had just left the vet without the dog he swore he 'hated' .. yeah... he loved that dog.. or when he called to tell me his mom had finally won the fight and gone to dance again (she was bound to years in a wheelchair due to diabetes...i always loved that he said the words she had 'won' as he knew in his heart and in his pain she was no longer in her pain...) or the call i over heard last year on the news his brother had passed....it is that same tone his voice gets that was on my voice mail... so i put off calling him back.. for a few moments ... but only a few.. you can't change what the news will be.. you can only put it off for a moment..

the news? my grandma has take a turn for the 'worse' ... her body is 'shutting down'... it is 'wearing out' .. like a car wears out after it is driven too many miles... or a pair of shoes wears out after you walk to many miles ... or a shirt you love a lot and wear all the time wears out from too much love... her body is 'wearing out' ... or is it? not really.. it seems they think...or guess she might have cancer.. (UGH i'm pretty sick of that word..never have liked it...but it keeps coming up in my life these days) somewhere in her body that is complicating her already sick body (she has had emphysema for almost 20 years) and it just can't take it any more...they don't know how much longer she will make it...it could be days...or months... (I laughed out loud...i did... oops!)

days or months...what is that... "hi i am death...and just wanted you to know you have days...or well you have months..." i guess in reality we all have days...or months... or years.... as not one of us knows...but this seemed so odd to me- to get that call ...with that tone in the voice... and to be told... days or months... we just don't know.. but this is what we do know.....
she has lived....she has experienced... she has celebrated....she has loved...

i was pretty numb wednesday- biblestudy with the kids was kinda a wash that night- we spent time just laughing they did their best to keep my mind off what was before me. I went home that night and just sat on the edge of my bed for the longest time and thought.. about nothing and everything... i had a lot of conversations with everyone and no one... it was crazy... on my side table is a stack of books i am going to and am reading.. there as been this one sitting there since November that I have been meaning to read... but i keep putting it off... mostly because my life just seems to be full of 'stuff' that is too much right now.. and i was sure the book would be more of the same.. but i was drawn to it... but i couldn't pick it up...

thursday i stayed home from work.. i just couldn't do work .... but i finally picked up the book- i read all day thursday...in fact for 7 hours straight my first stint went- .... it was like the book was meant to be read right now...at this moment... i finished it in 2 days.. 21 hours of reading... little sleep in-between... it is the most real book i have read in a long time. if you haven't read it yet... you need to- the authors are to real... and raw....they share from their hearts...from their own stories of hurt and pain...from their own personal experience of death and sorrow.. and just when you think you can't breath...you find yourself laughing because it is written like only they can... with their strange yet amazing humor!... and it has some of the most amazing and interesting facts you could ever want...and somethings that will make you go.. 'huh?' ... and a lot of questions will be answered that you never knew you had... or maybe you did that you were afraid to ask... what about your soul?... where does this all fit into what was and what will be?... how do i explain this to others....and dang it how does this all relate to bluegrass?....okay so maybe you were not lucky enough to be raised on the sounds of bluegrass and country music... but for those of us who were the ties that binds ... they were great... so to the great authors Crowder and Hogan.. THANK YOU... and if you haven't yet... go out and get it... "Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven But Nobody Wants To Die" by David Crowder and Mike Hogan... it is worth every moment spent reading and even every tear shed... enjoy!