22 November 2007

a lost and found identity

i have been wanting to write for a long time...
so much to say- but so unsure how to say it.
have had some pretty awesome things happen...
then i felt like the bottom of my world fell out-
ever been there?
... it was the craziest experience. usually i see it coming- but this time- WOW blind sided is such an understatement.
here i was- life was going along well, i felt like i was in a good place, i made some really big choices for myself--- they were a challenge but good challenge... and i felt good about it. i had finally found an apartment to move into and i was feeling okay about it... and that is when it happened.
i was in my apartment and i was starting to unpack- and i was looking at all these memories- 15 years of youth ministry looking back at me. years of amazing transformation in the lives of students- and even me. there were some pretty tough years too. churches with pastors that didn't (don't) believe in the very Word of God- don't believe that Jesus is the Only way-- who fought me about my beliefs even though they knew when they hired me who they were getting. so i found myself surrounded by photos, and keepsakes of years and years of ministry- lives changed and a life challenged and now? GONE... and what was left??? NOTHING... it was crazy.. but all of a sudden i felt like a shell of who i was.
see i always joked about how you could never separate me from my ministry and my ministry from me. i lived very transparently- what you saw was what you got (still is) but every thing about who i was was my ministry and everything about my ministry was who i was. there was no separation- i didn't ever want someone to say-- oh that is the lizzy that is at church with students... and this is the lizzy with us... so i looked at this stuff and wondered who i was without it. who could i be and what use was i? ... so stinking crazy! i kept telling myself so-- but suddenly i was frozen. i didn't unpack anymore. i didn't talk to anyone who i didn't have to. i wasn't sleeping, i was more than burning my candle at both ends. ---and the craziest part--- i didn't really 100% see it. i just knew i couldn't handle people- so i stopped being around them if i didn't have to be... to the extreme i even avoided church for a few weeks.
finally a friend of mine realized something was off and cornered me on the phone one night. not sure she was 100% ready for the flood that came drowning out the other end... i didn't even realize everything i was feeling until i started talking about it... but it felt good to talk about it.
i still find myself struggling some with it all. my apartment is still not all the way unpacked-- but it is more because of time then because of being 'frozen'---
it is crazy the way things come at us at times. when we least expect it-- WHAM! but there it is. we also, i believe, don't realize how things really are going to effect us.
for me it is just one more turn on this dizzy road called life... and that is okay. He is EVER faithful and is seeing me through this too.

be blessed and bless.. and be ever mindful of those around you! i am ever thankful for a dear friend, rachel, for taking the time to stop and talk to me...

enjoy each step in the road.. the high steps... the low steps.. and even the ones that make you dizzy!


29 August 2007


it has been a LONG time since i last posted. for many different reasons.... er .... umm excuses?? yeah okay no such thing as GOOD excuses for not putting down what is stirring around in my heart and soul. so much has been going on and i think the main reason i haven't put it down has been out of PURE FEAR! yes ladies and gents- i lizzy- am a CHICKEN! --- feathers and funky head bob included! you see the moment i put it down- the moment i commit to paper---er--- webspace???---whatever it becomes more 'real'... okay sure argue with me on this fact--- you won't win--- this is MY brain we are talking about... and if you have ever been where i am you understand what i am talking about....
let me start here----
so a few weeks--- or has it been a month ago now? anyway awhile back our church went to a rockhounds game--- i didn't go for the game---- i went for the social aspect of the event. PROMISE i am not sure i even watched 5 min of the game. i watched the 'opening pitches' you know where they have 'special guests' throw out the ball... yeah... and umm i watched our bikers group (the stonegators-- yes all our church has a bikers group!)ride around the field. well the rest of the night i just chatted with folks. WELL and i took pictures- for those that know me that is NO surprise... I don't go far without it! :)
well one of my favorite subjects are my most amazing friend Rockstar-Rachel's kiddos... especially- Zane-- there is something about him--- he captures you with his eyes...but his words will get you too! he was walking around in the grass and i snapped the following picture:
when i asked zane what he was doing after i grabbed this pic- he looked at me and said--- "looking for a 'venture'" ....humm looking for an adventure.
this picture and his words have stayed with me....
looking for an adventure....
not so much that i am looking for an adventure...but that i am seeking right now... seeking what God is really calling me to do---- what His will --- His plan--- His desire for me is...
I moved back to Midland with a thought...a idea and a goal... I have worked hard to keep my heart and my mind really focused on HIM and HIM alone.
the best part is i can honestly say that HE has been about a lot of HEALING over the last 4 1/2 months... but i also know i feel alot like how zane looks in this picture... i'm seeking... i'm kind of draggin my toes in the grass looking for an answer to a lot of asked questions in my prayer time. He knows His plans for my life... i am going to keep walking and seeking....more on this later... as i seek the 'venture'... with the wise words of a 3 year old... what is it that we read??? 'and a child will lead them' hummmm wow....

16 June 2007

blessed in the midst of skinned knees....

Okay...so to be fair in the midst of all the falling down...dusting off
and getting back up of the last few weeks or so of my life there have
been moments of blessing. Moments when I have been given the opportunity
to actually catch my breath and even at times take a deep breath. There
have been times (yes even in the face flat on the ground moments) where
I have been able to rejoice and know that even though my road is not
lined with roses and gold (and wow would I want that anyway?)
THIS...THIS is what and where I am to be right now.... I have been able
to come back to a place of community. Where I have friends who are more
family than some of my own.
As I start new and fresh with a lot of unknowns I don't have to do every
thing from phase one....I don't have to start from scratch building from
the ground up.... YES IN THESE THINGS I REJOICE!!!! And I rejoice that
no matter how many times I fall down I can and will get up because HE is
my strength...and I rejoice because it is when I am facedown that I am
reminded that that is truly the attitude we are to come to the father
Matt Redman has an amazing song out with the following line..."and I'll
fall facedown as Your glory shines around. Yes, I'll fall facedown as
Your glory shines around" that simple chours reminds me that it is the
humbleness of heart that He desires before Him. Not a proud boastful
So it has not been easy...so I have skinned my knees...I have bruised my
shins...what is that in the grand picture of this life? As I think about
it I actually rejoice that I have fallen on my face because it is when I
am flatout that He meets me the hardest...He gets up in my face and
lovingly wipes away the stains and dirt and replaces it with His LOVE
and His HOPE and His MERCY. See when we forget to worry about what is
around us and who might be watching us fall....we just get real with
Him. We strip away the stuff of the world and invite Him in......So are
you ready? Instead of waiting for the ground to fall out from beneath
you.... why don't you fall down?......FALL FACEDOWN!LET HIS GLORY SHINE AROUND.....

off for some facedown time...

one day i hope to be like you dad....

yesterday i spent sometime with my new friend rachel taking pics of her 3 amazing and beautiful children as a surprise for her husband jon for father's day. the whole idea was to dress the kids in their dad's clothing- each one in a different piece of his clothes- then i edited them. we originally thought we would do black and white...but then i was playing around with my new editing software and below is what i came up with. so here ya go.... this is what i call:

"Dad one day I hope not just to grow into your shadow but into the very image of the man you are...you are the one I look up to...the one who inspires me...holds me when I cry...and provides for my every need...YOU are my gift from THE Father...and on this Father's Day I rejoice and Thank Him for the gift of you to me!"

umm yeah....
and that my friends was a PERFECT afternoon!

07 June 2007

warning will robinson...warning! ....rough road ahead!

Sometimes the road of life feels like one big constant POTHOLE. Been
there? Ya know you hit one little hick up and you think...ah no biggie.
Then the next one comes right as you are dusting the dirt off your
skinned knees....and WHAM!! Down you go again. Determined you jump up
and quickly go to dusting off the dirt and cleaning the junk out of your
now raw knees....and in the midst of it all you are knocked off your
feet again. You try to stay positive. Your friends joke with you that if
you had luck all it would be bad luck....you try to keep it positive and
laugh...hahaha...so not funny even though they are just trying to cheer
you up. You have faith...you know the one who holds you in His hands and
directs your paths.... that is why this is so hard...why bad days and
bruised skinned knees day after day with no end in sight seems
unbearable. But life does happen and sometimes it really does just
spiral out of control and feel overwhelming. As one friend said "maybe
He is just getting ready to bless you." Maybe...or maybe He is just
needing to break me for one reason or another....well...DONE. Been a
long few weeks and I am ready for some relief from the Mac Truck
encounters.... too much to ask?
Slowly pickin myself back up....dusting off my knees...

01 June 2007

summer time blues

Well this is my first summer in 13 years that I will not spend at least
one week at summer camp, one week (and often two or three) on a mission
trip, various side trips on the weekends to music festivals, retreats,
and other such youth ministry related outings.

Last summer I had my 'lightest' summer on record as I was only gone on
Youth Ministry related trips or encased in in-town multiple day events
a total of 5 1/2 weeks of the 9 week summer... seriously... some of you
reading this think that is bad... but that was a light summer! I
actually got to take a vacation in the midst of my summer madness last
year... that never happens... well okay I only got to because school
started so early in Texas and so did summer band... but any way.... it
was a light summer...

And now this year has come... summer is here... how do I know this fact?
Well school is out (duh lizzy easy one there...hey never said I was a
rocket scientist!) ... kids now fill the streets in search of the summer
job (or trying to avoid it)...the temps are on the rise (ugh! What the
heck? I love Texas but mercy it is already in the 90's and it is just now
June 1st!) and summer camps and mission trips are in full swing!....

Last week our jr. High kids from my new church I am attending took off
for a week at camp and on monday the sr. High kids will depart...I would
say they trade places 'passing in the night' but well that makes it
sound crazier then it is...the youth staff does sleep for a day or 2 (I
think)... at any rate as I have prayed for my camper this past week
memories of old have come washing over me. All those years of camp and
mission trips. Endless nights sleeping in strange places (okay maybe
sleeping is an over statement) working and going until you think you
can't go anymore yet you do. Late night conversations had by the
campfire or sitting next to the river at the end of an amazing mission
trip listening to the heart beat of one of your students.... and I
realized that this whole deprogramming and reprogramming is not really

See inside of me is this heart that has been shaped and molded by the
hands of the Master Himself- there have been no mistakes in the grand
plan of what has been the journey of my life thus far. I am going to
miss the activity of what has been my identity of a "summer" for the
last 13 years... I will not lie... I will continue to shed tears in the
privacy of my bedroom late at night as I look at pictures from mission
trips of years past (as that is what I will miss the most). BUT I look
forward (yes with a little nervousness) to the plans He has for me and
the vision of the ministry He has planted...I will not run (even if that
feels easier) ...I will not hide (even when people tell me it is not
possible- because it is HIS calling on my life)... I will be faithful
(even when it is tough and it is easier to doubt).

So this summer I will spend it in a cold (umm in more then one way burr
turn down the AC) office building working in the cooperate world...crazy
never thought you would hear me say those words...because reality said I
needed a job that would take care of me so I could pursue my
calling...this dream....this vision...

Alrighty then walk on my friends..dream big and don't be afraid to
follow those dreams even if they turn your life upside down and

19 May 2007

i'm so weird meme?

okay so mindiloohoo my buddy of buddies tagged me on this awhile a go but with the move...adjusting to mornings and NOT having my own computer (but I do now thanks to am amazing woman...more on that later) i am just now getting to this....

okay so the deal is I am suppose to list 6 strange/weird things about me (problem 1- i am weird/strange so this will be tough!) and tag 6 others to do the same.... not sure i know 6 others that blog who read my blog (does anyone read my blog?) to do the same....but cause she is my friend i will do it... here we go...

6 weird things about lizzy.... (strange things?)

1. growing up i always wanted 20 kids... yup you read that right 20. never even blinked an eye... then people would ask if i wand and equal number of boys and girls...and i would say "i don't care..i just want 10 white and 10 black" .. see i was raised in an air force community by parents who refused to allow us to see color... so i didn't and all i knew was i had these friends (well they were my dads friends...guys in the service with him) who would come over and hang out at our house to watch sports and such cause they mostly didn't have families... and they had the coolest sounding voices and the prettiest skin. i use to tell them i wanted a tan like theirs...and they would laugh at me and tell me that they had 'black skin and i had white skin and that God just born them that way.... so it wasn't a tan' so i decided that when i got older God would 'born me some kids with black skin and kids with white skin' cause i thought it was the most beautiful skin... now of course when i got older i finally figured out it didn't work that way....you don't get to pick the color...let alone the gender of your babies--- i would still love to have a multi cultural family.... adoption sounds amazing to me! :-)

2. i was convinced i could make shawn cassidy fall in love with me (if you don't know who he is...you are TOO YOUNG!...come on ...a do run run a do run run...and the hardy boys???) by re-enacting his 'circus of the stars' (remember those shows...oh my I AM old) act on my back yard swing set by jumping off the roof of my house onto our metal swing set trapeze...umm yeah ... lets just say Shawn Cassiday never heard of my wonderful act ...he never came to cheyenne, wyoming and swept me off my feet...and i just ended up with some stitches and a broken ankle and wrist... DANG HIM!... and OUCH did that hurt!

3. i am 34 and am afraid of the dark....yup there you have it! okay i have been my whole life....so it is legit! my rents say that i have been since i was born...they would put me in my crib as a baby and turn out the light and i would wake up screaming....they tried everything...even went to a head doc when i was like 6... he gave me an 'imaginary dog' which being the middle child i am ...i took to extremes...we had to by food, bowls...leash...you name it... we did it.. i would scream that people were sitting on oscar.. and a few days later my dad comes in my room and goes to turn the light off...and i'm like...oh you can't...i'm not afraid anymore...but oscar is...hahaha yeah they lost that one!

umm this is not easy...cause i am just weird....

4. i am a walking oxymoron....i love the funky look.. ya know spikey hair... more funky type clothes (not that i can truly wear them at work) ...but i also love a good pair of cowboy boots and jeans....and well my favorite sport? RODEO... hahah yeah people are always shocked to learn that fact.. i love a good rodeo...especially bull riding.. bareback...saddle bronc..basically the rough stock.. and men in some good wranglers..hahaha.. yeah my tastes are all over the map.. it always shocks people when we talk sports and i get all sorts of excited about rodeo... welcome wyoming... i was raised there after all!!!!! even my music tastes show my walking oxymoron... from country to 80's to worship music... to good instrumental... to punk/funk.. and even reggae... dang now i wanna go dancing... hahaha

5. i am a walking soundtrack-- thankfully i have ALMOST mastered the art of keeping it inside.almost! people say things and it triggers this little monkey in my mind and songs pop out... luckily i usually sing the lyrics only in my head as most of the time they are 80's tunes.. and i am with people who don't really know me yet.. haha.. but yeah.. and it is really bad when i am tired! and i always think i am funny when it is happening...and usually people just look at me...which is why i am trying to master the whole 'keep it in your head lizzy'

6. i'm a closet dancer...haha i love to dance... would go out dancing all the time if i had people to do it with...so instead i turn up music in my house and dance around all the time (not so much now that i am living with some friends) ...when i was younger my best friend sadie and i would make up dances and do them in her driveway for anyone walking or driving by...we would even do some on roller skates... i can STILL do the whole michael jackson thriller, beat it and billy jean video dances...and a few cyndi lopper video dances...and ashamed to say some madona as well.. oh my those were the days... now i just dance around the house..... yeah... watch out...so you think you can dance here i come...NOT! hahahahahaha thank you Jesus I am too old to even try out!

okay now who do i tag??? um how about Maryann Arnold... Lisa loo arnold... Heidi... Len... (though mindi may have...but he has yet to respond!) mirianda.....shayla.... and anyone who is reading this...and hey let me know you read it! hahah

sick joke them alarm clocks!

so it has been 4 weeks since my move back to midland...and the de-programing and re-programing is a slow and on going process. t is so strange. there are still moments on sunday evenings where i will glance at the clock and have a panic attack as i think i have missed and/or am late to youth. then i have the sweetest picture of two of my girls from s'ville all dressed up for prom on my desk that they gave me as i left town.... i look at it every day and i would be lying if i didn't admit to a wave of sadness washing over me. ...then this week i got the 'application for nywc vol staff' in my email inbox...which has always been the highlight of my year...and well this will be the FIRST time in 7 years that i will not be at the convention....and the first time in 6 years that i will not be at at least 2 convention--- i have volunteered with them for the last 6 years... everything from head qrts...to registration...to interpreting... it is so hard to admit that this year i won't be there... i may have to find a 'aa' type group meeting to attend during those times... that will be the real withdrawl... during that time it was the time i caught up with some of the friends i only get to see that time a year... UGH.. sad sad sad... little heart breaking... then I read on my buddy marko's blog late last night about the passing of Lee (from ted and lee) ... wow... more flood of memories... the last few years i have had the pleasure or interpreting for them at the NYWC there is something awe inspiring about putting out through my hands and my body what they are doing on stage...he will for sure be missed---- more floods of memories.....
this week has just been one of those weeks.... one of my 'kids' from my days here in midland is graduating from college (today) -UT- .. then thursday night i spoke at a dinner for a group of my 'kids' from here who are fixin to graduate from high school- it was crazy...they were my first group of 6th graders here...so my first confirmation kids... lots of firsts with them.. it was a sweet night.... but it was so odd to see these boys that use to have these HIGH voices and cute little chub and fit under my chin...come in with these deep voices... tall and slender....and just monster over me..yet when we saw each other it was like they were 13 again....but instead of my hugs engulfing them....their hugs engulfed me... *gulp*... yeah .. deprogram....reprogram... guess you never really take that part out of you... i may not work in the church full time....but i will always be apart of what is happening in the lives of teens...
i thought i had finally adjusted to my alarm clock ringing at 6:30/6:45 but this week i got to start PT again for my back so i had to rise at 6 on M/W/and F ....UGH... sick sick sick joke...haha not sure i will ever truly enjoy the alarm clock... really honestly WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MINDS thought work should start so early in the morning????? oh well... it allowed me to come back to midland ....and it has allowed me to chase my dream of starting a mission ministry...one step at a time... slowly i know it will happen... i totally believe that...
alright this is a long strange post..
all over the place....but that is what i get for a week of little to no sleep thanks to some hick ups of life! mercy...when it rains it pours .... what the heck? ...oh well Jesus is bigger than any problem...so no worries mon!
Blessings...walking in circles and dizzy....but thankful that He guides the steps!

26 April 2007

did you know secular music = singleness?

yup neither did i! but hahah guess what i learned....
i was recently engaged in a conversation with someone of an 'older' generation and to be kind WAY more conservative religious view point than i... and we were just chatin when the subject of music came up... because of my past 'vocation' (you know youth pastor) this person was aghast- shocked- maybe even horrified to find that i listened to secular music. i mean some secular music was okay- like WAY oldies (and i could even agree that i liked oldies but not for reasons they gave) and classical music... other than that all other music should be religious biased ..and best would be be with out instruments.. (okay so you can guess what brand church they go too) so on they go and out comes the best comment I have heard to date for my singleness-- yes ladies and gents... singleness is not a sickness as reported in the past... but instead it is caused by listening to secular music...you see if i would just give up my country tunes... my 80's mixes... my other not christian tunes... well then God would forgive me of all my ills and WOW He would provide my missing spouse.. HUMMMM
It was all i could do not to laugh..i mean yes i agree that we can over do things. i believe that trash in- trash out. i am careful about what i do listen to. but yes, i do like secular music...but i also love christian music...with instruments! i don't' think that because i listen to secular music i am single.. i mean come on... if that were the case most of my Christian Friends would be single. i just believe that God is waiting for the right man..right time..do i wish He would hurry up sometimes? sure.. but other times i am okay with being single... i am in no hurry just to settle.. besides i am not sure that many men could have handled being married to youth pastor liz with the 70-90 hour work weeks that i did with out even blinking an eye.. so with that ..i'm keeping my tunes..and keeping my faith ..i'm loving Jesus.. and when and if the time is right... he will take care of it all! He will drop mr. right down in front of me with yellow roses and a green bow and all will be good! ... but until then...i gonna rock on... and DANCE through this journey we call life..hey you can't dance without music!
so dance on sistas and brothas dance on to the music of your hearts!
dancing the night away,

the deprograming and reprograming of lizzy...

well a huge shift of life ... no longer do i spend my days behind a desk at a church but now in a "corporate" office. i am only a few days into my 'new life' (whatever that is to mean) and things are going fine...yest VERY slow! gone are my LONG work days but HERE are my early mornings. UGH! i will admit i always enjoyed the freedom of 'unset' hours- but now i fund myself setting an alarm each evening to mark my rising hours- and WOW are they early. yet gone are the days of evening meetings and late night stuff- my day ents as promptly as it begins- a schedule- what the heck is that? Truly it will take some time to get use too- my body will adjust- RIGHT? can i change my internal clock that believes you can't sleep before 1am and rise before 9am? i mean i can force the wake up...but i can't force the sleep. CRAZY! okay to be fair i have done this before- but it has been a good 13 years! back in the days when i was working for the schools with my deaf students.. but i just am not a morning person.
beyond the shift of schedule is the shift of mindset....i will miss my students... bust not sure i will miss the politics of church work.... you expect it outside the church..but it is always hard inside the church. i look forward to forging new paths and seeing what God lays before me. especially with the mission ministry that he has laid on my heart all these years ago. finally now that i am not working 70-90 hours a week i will have some time to focus in on what it is He is calling me to do.... what it is He wants this to be...CRAZY ...but exciting... He is so big...we are so small... this journey is amazing ...as crazy as it is and as dizzy as we get it is worth each step!
so on with the de/re programing of lizzy!

01 March 2007

truly amazing!

i went to see a movie Tuesday night that shook me... a movie that stayed with me into my sleep... all night...i couldn't escape it... i was there inside the movie...really not just the movie but the whole history of what the movie is about....
see long before this movie was made i have known the story because of the years of mission work i have done in the stop hold...i have fallen in love with the area and the people...come to care about the culture so i started researching it years ago to learn all i could not just about who they are now...but where they came from...what their story really is...i had seen a movie years ago...that one haunted me too...it kept me awake at night and tormented my dreams when i did sleep ... that movie...Amistad... and this one? Amazing Grace
both movies speak about the horror that we (yes i do mean we)inflicted on people who we saw as lower- that we cast out and counted and nothing- less than- we claimed them as property- as something that could be bought, traded, beaten, and discarded. we treat them as people- as humans- but as objects...
Jamaica a land- a island... a place i have come to love because of the 11 years of mission work i have done there.. is there because it was a stop-hold for the slave ships... it was a place we.. and others used to sort though the 'good' and the 'bad' ...if you have ever been it is a beautiful place..and i am not talking the resorts- because those are not beautiful- in fact they are a picture of modern day slavery and injustice... not one is owned by the Jamaica's... it is sad...
but the movie... amazing grace... wow... it is awe inspiring... one of the best done movies i have seen in a long time! to watch the story of john newton unfold before you.. to hear his tales... to see the pain... to hear the conviction to FIGHT in Wilberforce... I only HOPE i can be that strong in what i believe... when he stands... or sits listening to the still small voice of God speaking calling him to speak on behalf of those who can not speak for themselves...that is inspiring...inspiring today...

God speaks... God asks us to speak for those who do not have a voice... what are you doing? ... i know i am not doing enough and need to do more... i am moved and inspired not just by a movie of things in the past...but by some amazing young men- and now a whole stinking movement Invisible Children and how so many are speaking for so many with out voices... i am inspired by a young man Zach Hunter and what he is doing at only 15 (and he started at 12!- so don't use your age as an excuse!)... what are you doing? what are you going to do? Slavery is real today...in fact more real today than all those years ago... stand up and get a voice! ...you can even link up with the movie at the Amazing Change site.. do it! do something- you have a voice... use it.... oh an if you haven't see the movie... see it.. educate your mind and your heart!

walking with purpose!

05 February 2007

tis me...well weeme...

yup sounds odd...but tis true...tis me...so here goes it!
yeah... followed the clan from marko's blog.. so enjoy!

30 January 2007

what is up with death?

so it has just been one of those weeks...tomorrow will mark exactly a week that my phone rang and the news came...you know 'the news' ..news that no one likes getting... i knew that it wasn't good the moment my dads voice was on my voice mail- you just know it in the 'tone' ... there is the sound that is there at that moment that is not there at any other time... like the time he called because he had just left the vet without the dog he swore he 'hated' .. yeah... he loved that dog.. or when he called to tell me his mom had finally won the fight and gone to dance again (she was bound to years in a wheelchair due to diabetes...i always loved that he said the words she had 'won' as he knew in his heart and in his pain she was no longer in her pain...) or the call i over heard last year on the news his brother had passed....it is that same tone his voice gets that was on my voice mail... so i put off calling him back.. for a few moments ... but only a few.. you can't change what the news will be.. you can only put it off for a moment..

the news? my grandma has take a turn for the 'worse' ... her body is 'shutting down'... it is 'wearing out' .. like a car wears out after it is driven too many miles... or a pair of shoes wears out after you walk to many miles ... or a shirt you love a lot and wear all the time wears out from too much love... her body is 'wearing out' ... or is it? not really.. it seems they think...or guess she might have cancer.. (UGH i'm pretty sick of that word..never have liked it...but it keeps coming up in my life these days) somewhere in her body that is complicating her already sick body (she has had emphysema for almost 20 years) and it just can't take it any more...they don't know how much longer she will make it...it could be days...or months... (I laughed out loud...i did... oops!)

days or months...what is that... "hi i am death...and just wanted you to know you have days...or well you have months..." i guess in reality we all have days...or months... or years.... as not one of us knows...but this seemed so odd to me- to get that call ...with that tone in the voice... and to be told... days or months... we just don't know.. but this is what we do know.....
she has lived....she has experienced... she has celebrated....she has loved...

i was pretty numb wednesday- biblestudy with the kids was kinda a wash that night- we spent time just laughing they did their best to keep my mind off what was before me. I went home that night and just sat on the edge of my bed for the longest time and thought.. about nothing and everything... i had a lot of conversations with everyone and no one... it was crazy... on my side table is a stack of books i am going to and am reading.. there as been this one sitting there since November that I have been meaning to read... but i keep putting it off... mostly because my life just seems to be full of 'stuff' that is too much right now.. and i was sure the book would be more of the same.. but i was drawn to it... but i couldn't pick it up...

thursday i stayed home from work.. i just couldn't do work .... but i finally picked up the book- i read all day thursday...in fact for 7 hours straight my first stint went- .... it was like the book was meant to be read right now...at this moment... i finished it in 2 days.. 21 hours of reading... little sleep in-between... it is the most real book i have read in a long time. if you haven't read it yet... you need to- the authors are to real... and raw....they share from their hearts...from their own stories of hurt and pain...from their own personal experience of death and sorrow.. and just when you think you can't breath...you find yourself laughing because it is written like only they can... with their strange yet amazing humor!... and it has some of the most amazing and interesting facts you could ever want...and somethings that will make you go.. 'huh?' ... and a lot of questions will be answered that you never knew you had... or maybe you did that you were afraid to ask... what about your soul?... where does this all fit into what was and what will be?... how do i explain this to others....and dang it how does this all relate to bluegrass?....okay so maybe you were not lucky enough to be raised on the sounds of bluegrass and country music... but for those of us who were the ties that binds ... they were great... so to the great authors Crowder and Hogan.. THANK YOU... and if you haven't yet... go out and get it... "Everybody Wants to Go to Heaven But Nobody Wants To Die" by David Crowder and Mike Hogan... it is worth every moment spent reading and even every tear shed... enjoy!

14 January 2007

it just 'icing' on the cake...

okay so it is a first....
it actually happened!
i never thought i would live to see the day that it did....
....but yes today, for the first time in my 33 (almost 34 years of life) ...
I actually work at ...and am a member of a church who was closed on Sunday.
Yes...you read that right! this morning at about 7:18 my cell phone rang to inform me that we would not be holding church services. i was shocked. i thought surly i was hearing things wrong. i mean come on...i grew up in wyoming and i don't ever remember our church being closed (i mean i remember a few sundays when hardly anyone was there and i wondered why we had braved the snow covered...ice slicked roads..but we were there and the doors open) ....and when i lived in Winter Park, Florida and we had our first (of what would be 3 direct hurricane hits) we didn't close our doors once (still not sure i agreed with the first one- i didn't make it to church that sunday due to the fact the family i was with had HUGE trees in their yard and i had just surrivived one of the scarriest nights of my life...my Pastor was not so happy with me...but he was rarely happy with me...I loved Jesus too much and didn't believe in kissin the butt of deep pockets- but i digress) ....but today i recieved the phone call that shocked me... yes we were closing our doors. NOW let me go on record... lots of churches closed their doors- all over- it is a little thing called....ICE... and it is interupting life as we know it in central texas.... for me it is baffeling- in Wyoming this wouldn't scare off a first grader trying to learn how to ride their new bike..but let me tell you as some one who learned to drive on streets of snow and ice..even i don't like sharing the road with texas drivers on icey roads....so i took the news in stride.... turned off the alarm...and went back to bed....ahhhh zzzzz land... woke late had some breakfast.. read a little and just enjoyed my day. but 2 days in my little house that has more holes than walls is too much....so here i am at the before mentioned closed church.... sitting in my nice warm office....feeling a little guilty for leaving my dogs to fend for themselves in my cold house.....i have a space heater in the bathroom and bedroom- but well i don't trust them alone with them on... but they have built in fur coats right? oh well...for now i am gonna go brave walmart..hahaha bout the only time you can go...no one will be there...they are too scared to come out in this ice stuff! THANK YOU MR. ICE STORM! .... i hate my cold cold house...but i love an empty walmart!!!!!!!!!

06 January 2007

5 things you don't know.....

okay so this is OLD and long time coming my good buddy ...heck i would call her a best friend (do you still have best friends in your 30's....sure you do) mindi tagged me (is that what you call it?- ugh i am so lame!) so here goes... 5 things you don't know about me....
1. SHOES! as much as i brag that i am not your typical girl... that i don't like to shop or spend HOURS getting ready--- i really really can't stand my friends who spend hours upon hours getting ready to go somewhere .... i do have a LOVE for shoes... but... and this is a BIG BUT i will go on the record saying my shoe collection is NOT full of spiky heels and pointed toed insaned things that people (girls) claim to call shoes...and some (like my afore mentioned buddy above) LIE and say "i know they don't look like it---- but really these 90" extreme elf-pointed toed jimmi-choos are comfortable" WHATEVER! ...so anyway here is my count- yes it is a sickness and i will go i record- i did downsize in my last move:
Birkenstocks-17 pair (i only paid full price for 1 pair (my first pair) all others have come from an outlet....which make them so affordable... or as gifts...still it does make me a little sick-i use to own 27 pair..i donated 10 pair in my last move) Chocos- 3 pair- Crocs- 5 pair- in 5 fun colors of course, 3 pair of cowboy boots- 2 pair lace up ropers, 1 pair custom boots that i got as a high school grad gift in 1991 (see good shoes last people!) one pair of Italian shoes that my students call my 'bowling shoes' umm no... too good to bowl in... but so fun... don't wear them enough.. a few pair tennis shoes...fun ones...not like lets to go the gym...but these are stylin' and then 1 lets go to the gym and do some damage... and well then i have 5 or 6 pair of flip flops.... i think that may be all... man i hope so...this list is making me sick... YIKES... and to think this is down size...
2.I'm a deep thinker/analytical/have the gift of discernment: yeah yeah yeah... call it what you want... this surprises lots of people but i am a thinker.. i spend lots of think thinking about things- people -situations-things i can change- things i can't- things God has put on my heart- things He wants me to be a part of... see my strongest spiritual gift is this thing called Discernment- which many people when they give me the quick once over would never guess that- but it is there...and i try to be really faithful with it... but another friend of mine Greg, she also has the Spiritual gift of Discernment...and if you have this gift you understand...it is tough sometimes... it is one of those spiritual gifts that you at times want to throw your hands up in the air look up and go "seriously?".... i mean i don't...but there are time... wow... but i am a deep thinker... people just don't get me the credit... i think it's the hair... or maybe it's the tattoos...or both? or maybe it's the job?????
3.Speaking of Tattoos...some of my friends that read this will not like number 3....sorry... but okay for some of you you are also gonna say duh and say that number 3 doesn't count... i told you that this is hard... okay so i want to get a few more tattoos.. i know i know... some of you are rolling your eyes saying NO, DON'T, you can't....blah blah blah we can debate this later...but here are the 3 i really want to get... don't know if i ever will...on my left wrist under my watch band (so really just for me) i want to get a tattoo in Hebrew that reads "love the Lord with all your Heart, Soul, and Mind (from Duet) coming from where it says to inscribe it on your foreheads (don't want a tattoo on my forehead) and left hand. then i have a picture of my dad and i from when i was like 2 or 3 of us on the beach in cali it is us from behind walking in the surf. I would love to have that somewhere on me... with my dad's and my birth dates on it... and then a snowflake with a cross as the center with my mom's and my birthdates on it (mymom is a HUGE snowflake person) ... i am addicted to miami ink i record it every week so i don't miss it... i would KILL to have one done there i have even down loaded the application... now it is just coming up with the money and then getting accepted...well and filling out the application..i guess i never think i'll get picked anyway!
4.I always wanted to really be a Neo-Natal ICU Nurse: so from the time i was little blood, guts and the thrill of a hospital was my draw... one problem.. my brain! yup little issue called dyslexia and well an adversion to MATH thanks to the dyslexia and well that wasn't in the cards. I did the EMT deal and would love to go back and get the cert again as I LOVED riding in the ambulance and working the er...even just for weekend call and such....man! i don't know if it was all the time i spent in the hospital as a child or what...but i never freak out in those situations... never have.. you can have blood and guts every where and i am calm and in control- yet put me in a room with a bunch of over educated adults and tell me to explain how to make a a paper airplane and well i am not a happy camper... it always cracks me up to hear my friend Janice talk about a road trip i made with her one day to pick up her grand kids- we happened up on a really bad accident and i just went into action doin my thing- she was so amazed that i knew what to do..it was old hat for me...i love when old things we have done in the past come back and God can use it to bless someone... it was very useful that day for that girl...
5. I dream big, often, and believe!:so i can't so i always say that i know i had great parents..because like most teens i went though stages where i thought they were bad...horrid...awful...whatever...but i really did have amazing parents... WHY? because they taught me to dream...and to dream big... not only that they taught me to believe in my dreams..because my dreams were placed there by God and God alone...and in every dream was a possibility and in every possibility an adventure and in every adventure a new experience and in that experience growth from that growth would come wisdom and from wisdom would come knowledge and from knowledge would come grace.....see how this goes... I WAS and AM BLESSED! i still remember my 2nd grade teacher mrs smith calling my mom and telling her that i spent too much time 'imagining' things and they needed to teach me 'reality'- i'll never forget over hearing my mom telling her that children grow up too fast and my imagination was just beginning- that my dad and her couldn't wait to see what doors God opened up. that night my dad as he tucked me in to bed with is nightly ritual of a bed time story, a bible story, a kiss on the forehead, nose, and chin his 'you are the prettiest princess in all the world in both your Father's eyes' turned on my night light 'may the Son rise to greet you in the morning' turn off my big light looked at me and said something along the lines of 'hey mago tonight dream extra big- God's got big possibilities for you- no matter what teachers or other big people tell you- you are special- let those dreams get as big as He wants them to be- they are just possibilities waiting to happen.' ..... so I still dream big... and right now... my biggest dream? is simple really... "Mission Dreams" ... a new look on how we do short term missions- really it isn't a new look it is going back and refocusing and revisioning how we are approaching short-term missions- how that gonna work? don't know yet... it's just a dream...but here is the amazingly cool part..it is not my dream...it is God's...He put it there! Dream with me....and PRAY!

who is Jesus for you?...

okay so umm disclaimer... these are my notes from the sermon on 24 december 2006 that i promised from my last post- so take note these are MY notes. meaning a. this is what my brain took in b. this is MY brain we are talking about c. you get my filters d. i may have missed a lot- i can be a little ADD e. i may have added something-often when someone is preaching i will have a thought and go off on something- i will try to say if it is my own thought (if i can remember or not) ... lastly- you can so go to www.stonegatefellowship.com and get their podcast or just listen to this message- it is so worth it- their Pastor- Patrick Payton is a great communicator... okay onto the message:

~Who is Jesus for you? during the Holidays and always?
~What are you doing, or are you going to do with who Jesus is this Christmas season?
~Is He just your Holiday Savor?
3 questions to really think about

What kind of Jesus do you worship/have in your life?
1. Holiday Jesus: you take him out when it's 'okay' (you might be a 'Christer') he's just always 'baby Jesus' - Get with it Jesus is REAL AND POWERFUL--- or is he just a plastic figure you put up in your yard or a cute little figure in your nativity at home?
2. Football Jesus: You find someone to hand him off too when he gets to be too much- the responsibility is more than you signed up for- or just isn't so 'cool'
3. LasVegas Jesus: You want something for nothing! You give him a token buck or ten of your life but you want the million dollar pay off- or the "what happens in church stays in church" I show up and do my part, but don't expect my outside life and church life to collide. - think about it: can you buy and manipulate God? God knows your heart!
4. Social Jesus: not too much, not all the time, not too loud, don't want to really 'hear him' you want him to be 'just like you' drive the same car, dress the same, etc. FACT: He is NOT just like us: He asks us to be like him. 'Be Holy as I am Holy...'
Our Hope and our Goal~ but be careful--- do a gut check should be that:
Jesus is King- Ruler- Lord- Master of my life... (lizzy can you say this? in all areas...loudly? boldly? what areas are maybe dull? what areas do you not feel that you can boldly proclaim? you can't proclaim it in only part of your life...it is an all or nothing deal... that is the problem so many times people want to say okay but only in part a and c of my life the rest is mine... i want to make sure i can say it and say it boldly in all parts of my life where am i not saying it boldly and best? how can i change that? ... ask Him to show you and don't wait...)
"I've come that you may have life ....." "you must lose your life..." "take up your cross...."
FACT= You can't have Christmas without Easter... or think about it...Christmas would be pretty meaningless really... okay...so you would have the virgin birth but that about it...another birthday that for some odd reason lots and lots of people celebrate for years after the person passes... think about that for a few and then it hits you...more pastors need to clue into this on Christmas i think...that my humble opinion... okay back to Patrick's message
From the cradle to the cross (oops that is mine too) with out the crucifixion we are fools (understatement) we are just a bunch of people who celebrate something that happens every day (birth) so....is he REALLY your KING? is he King of your speech? Money? Job Change? thoughts? Actions? are you following the small voice that speaks to your heart and soul?
is He your King? Yes? What does that look like???
let me know would love to talk about it some!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHRISTmas message i always wanted....

so i have been putting off posting this... trying to figure out how to put this in words and realized it wasn't gonna happen till i just sat down and did it! so here it goes:
okay so this year was kinda a strange Christmas for me- first time to not be with family- and for being 33- it is kinda odd- okay no lie- it was ROUGH- and to be really honest- i mean why lie now- i wasn't really looking forward to Christmas eve services. i mean lets get real.
you go to church on Christmas eve and you get these feel good baby Jesus messages, light candles, sing songs, go home, go to sleep, get up and open way too many gifts- really we have things a little- okay A LOT messed up.
so this year being what it was, i was really not so hip on going to hear a ho humm happy go lucky message- now i will say that i was expecting a pretty good sermon from the church i was going to in the morning as the i really like and respect the pastor at the church- but i wasn't sure how much he would 'bring it' being that it was Christmas morning at all and they were not doing Christmas eve services- just morning services (which can i go on record and say AMEN! why do it twice in one day if you are gonna do it right the first time...and they did btw..more on that in a min) so i get up and go to meet my friends at church....
it was tougher than i thought to be at church- didn't help that i was sitting between two of the sweetest people in the world (frances and charlie) and when the singing started up he sounded just like my dad- a little off key (sorry charlie... love ya baby) but sang with heart and JOY! so i got a little teary... but pulled myself together...music over- pastor comes up to give the message- i get my bible out and my journal ready to take some notes- thinking 'will i have something to really 'chew on' this week?' - and this pastor gives the CHRISTmas sermon i have been wanting for years. in fact it was a message i have said in some ways to people before- i am sure some people sat there a tad bit uncomfortable- it is okay- sometimes we are spose to be uncomfortable at church. I was once told if you are too comfortable at church you must be asleep or at the wrong church- but i digress- so this message-- it was amazing- it was not your feel good lets get baby Jesus out and put him in the manger...NOPE! it was the yup it's Christmas- but what are you gonna do with this gift from now on... because reality is with out the resurrection- Christmas really wasn't that exciting... you HAVE to have the whole story... WOW... i will blog more about his message in my next post...but i want to give you a little contrast...so in the morning i get this AMAZING message-- then that night I go to church with the family i am staying with for the 6pm service and what do we get? a pastor who prays we find Manger power (i still haven't figured that out yet--- what the HECK is manger power? is it like what Superman has when he can stop a moving train? but it is holy? don't get that...is it something you can wrap and put under a tree for your unsaved friends? cause that is kinda what it sounded like...CRAZY) and then made the statement that the Trinity teaches us that we need to be in community as God himself was lonely as he created 3 of himself.. I sat their confused ... thinking surly i misunderstood him- so i waited for church to be out- and asked the college aged daughter of the family i was with if i wrote down the quote right. she said she heard the same thing. I still hope I am wrong- if not- that is some confusing theology- ahh GRRR welcome to some crazy preaching... so more on the great message in the next post