what can You, make of me?

a friend of mine, matt neely, on his cd "stronger than gravity" has a song called "what can you make of me". it has always been a song that speaks right to my heart. i have used it in slide shows for mission trips, i have had sign choirs of youth and children sign it, i have used it in sermons and as background music for commuion.....but lately the song has been playing over and over in my heart at expected and unexpected times. it pops up with no warning...i will be sitting at my desk, driving down the street, watching tv, painting, laying in bed, taking a shower and the words will come spilling out.
sometimes the words bring a smile to my heart that makes its way to my face...other times the words bring tears to my eyes and leaves me wondering if i will ever truly know the answer to the question my soul is asking over and over and longing for an answer.
it is crazy at 33 truly i should know right? many times i joke with my students that Jesus died at 33, so i should get to retire at 33- but i have always said with in every joke is an ounce of truth- that truth? the fact that i am burned out, tired, emotionally and spiritually drained and don't know where to turn to get charged back up. i'm pased the point where some convention is going to 'fill me up'....it is much deeper then just needing time away and being with people who 'get it'....i am not sure i can see my own heart clearly anymore. so i find myself asking so many questions....
....who am i?....
....who have i become?....
....am i really worthy of the call placed on my heart?....
....is youth ministry truly that call still?....
....what is the bigger picture?....
....am i a failure because of what surrounds me?....
....can God really use me, a broken, twisted, used up, cracked, chipped, wasted, ugly vessel?....
....if my creativity is my biggest gift and it is the most stifled am i being true to my calling?....
....when is enough, enough?....
....am i worthy of his love and grace?....
....how long do you have to suffer before you are allowed to say done?....
....is it me?....
....God what can you make of me?....
tough questions....and i ain't got the answers...i just know matt's song keeps coming up again and again....usually makes me feel good...sometimes makes me cry....sometimes frustrates me...but more than anything it is my prayer to Jesus- what can you make of me? what do you want me to do....
for now i keep walking...but the circles seem really small and if you know anything about walking in small circles it makes you dizzy- UGH! i kinda over being dizzy right now:-)
enjoy the journey
lizzy
what can you make of me
you made sarah laugh, you david dance, made esther a beauty to hold the king in her hands.
you made simon a rock, and old laz live again, you took saul an enmy and made paul a friend. i've seen what you've made of them
what can you, make of me? what can you, make of me?
you made abraham trust and job lose it all, you made soloman so smart it caused him to fall. you made thomas believe and john write a book. you made a soldier alive by the life that he took. it's all right there in your book.
what can you, make of me? what can you, make of me?
they say it took dust and a rib to make adam and eve- well i don' t have much more, and i dare to believe that you are not finished with me.
still i want to know: what can you, make of me- i'm asking you Jesus. what can you, make of me? what can you, make of me? I want to know, tell me. what can you, make of me?
you gave handle the song, you made kingdom prevail, you gave martin luther a hammer and a nail, you made billy crusade, showed deitrech the cost, you emptied teresa to make room for the lost.
tell me what can you, make of me? I want to know. tell me what can you, make of me?

invisible neon signs....

so today has been one of those days that when you tell someone about it they look at you in disbelief and say...'yeah right...that didn't really happen".....oh how i wish it were true. so really today began yesterday- yup one of those LONG days- i drove to houston on sunday and spent the night with some friends who recently moved there and then they brought me to the airport to catch my flight to spokane washington where i am off to the wedding of one of my former students from my first full time ministry in walla walla. well i get to the air port- check in to find out that they (frontier air lines) are having a HUGE mechanical issue and so i am going to really miss my flight (what does that mean? 'really miss your flight'? can you only kinda miss your flight?) so they tell me they have it all set up they will put me up in a hotel for the night in denver and i will be on an early morning flight to spokane...okay no big deal right- ah yeah.....so after all is said and done i don't get into denver until 11pm...and don't get to the marriot until almost midnight...i set up my wake up call and crawl into bed for the short 5 hours of sleep i would be getting.....well enter screwed up hotel issues....my wake up call never comes and i wake up 10 min before my flight is to leave the airport and the hotel is 25 min from the airport....after fighting with the hotel, getting ready and getting to the air port frontier does all they can....but what does that mean....a WHOLE DAY SITTING IN DENVER INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT! UGH! i arrived at 9:30 this morning and i will leave at 9:40 tonight.....tha tis a LONG time to sit in one airport- and to beat all it seems i have this invisible neon sign above my head that says "please come and talk to me about eveything in your life that could be ore is happening---i care and i want to listen." reality is i have been to the restroom a few times today and i can't find the sign anywhere- but the needy business man who just fought with his wife about the fact that he is staying in denver for a few extra days for some r&r after this leg of his buisness trip is over saw it....as did the woman who is not satisfied with her current job but the pay and perks are so good she can't give it up...besides she will be divorced soon and her boss will be too....no to mention my trip through security this morning where i get the wand and the pat down and they can't figure out what sent the machine off yet the guy with the 19 facial periceings goes right through.....give me a break....i could use a hot tub, a beverage and the heck out of DIA! oh who said flying was so much easier? i could have driven to washington state by now....UGH! what a day....and if one more person comes up and dumps their life story on me i may just scream and run in circles.....at least then i will see a different part of this airport....