a difference in a year....

wow.....what a difference a year can really make!
litorally at this exact moment (i mean time and everything) last year i was walking into what would prove to be one of the worst days of my ministry career. you see just a year ago today at 4:15pm in florida i was heading into my weekly 'checkin' in' meeting with my supervisor at the church. no need to feel anything but this is the weekly deal...no big deal...only added stress was we were in the heat of setting up for our rummage sale...a HUGE fundraiser that was a HUGE headache...but the outcome money wise was usually worth it....so here i am walking down the hall thinking nothing of it...i walk into his office...shut the door and sit down ready for our quick 30 min...........i was no way prepared for what would come out of his mouth......i remember the words, the look on his face, the temp in the room and the rock hard slam to my gut that came with his word.... "liz i don't even know how to start....i don't want to be saying this...i don't know why ...but i promised you if i ever thought this was going to happen i would warn you....well it is....it is going to happen. i don't know when i don't know why....but sprc is going to ask you to step down....get your resume out and ready....again i dont' know why or when...i just know it is going to happen." i know i asked some questions- i don't remember them...i just remember beins so unsure if i could even take a deep breath......he kept saying sorry...sorry...i don't know why...why don't you just go home for the day....it will be okay....can i do something for you...i just sat there not saying anything....i remember at one point looking up at him and he just gave me this look- you know like the one a puppy gives you at the pet store begging you to take it home...his last words to me as i was leaving his office- "and liz you can't say anything to anyone- you need to keep this between you and i...i want you to have time to find new position...if you go off talking about this it may speed things up"....so there i was....i had been fired before being fired (how the heck you do that i don't know)....i just walked out to my car got in and started driving.....and then the tears came....and i made a few phone calls....and my world became dark, hallow and very lonely.... ..wow crazy what a year can do....
so this past weekend i was looking for something and i found a journal that i thought i had lost that i actually started last year at this time...my entry from a year ago includes this "my body is numb but yet pain is ripping through my soul. my mind is so fuzzy- i'm not sure about what time it is or what i am doing at any given moment- all i know is time is passing and i can't account for it. i hide now..i hide in my pain, i hide in my anger, i hide in my embarrassment- FIRED- not the word used but it is really the outcome to come- when? i don't know- time doesn't matter anyway- my heart feels as if it has stopped. tears just run down my face- i feel s broken, branded and scared. i feel like i am standing on the firing line watching them clean and prepare their guns that would deliver the final shot- the final blow..i know what is coming- it is the when i can't see. i can already feel the bullets enter my body- they burn as they tear through my flesh- as they enter my soul- even though the first bullet is a direct hit to my heart i am left still breathing watching and waiting for the end to come. how will i do it? how will i move on? how do i prepare to leave when i have to pretend to stay...that nothing is happening...shhh gag order....don't talk to anyone...you have to be your normal happy self- doesn't matter that you are broken...doesn't matter that you are hurting- get over it and get ready to move on. night has come and i should be sleeping- but sleep is escaping me. i lie in bed the dark surrounding me- i am so scared i don't know what to do...tears just keep coming- morning is here..i must go to work...i enter a building now that feels like a prison- a shell of a place- quick paste a smile- nothing is wrong- my mind keeps yelling at me to 'escape- run- don't look back' but i stay- i have no choice. the walls are closing in on me and i can't find a door- what can i do? i can't escape. .....i feel like i have been beaten and left by the side of the road...yet with each car that passes i have to raise my head and smile pretending that nothing is wrong- nothing has happened. ...Jesus (i cry out) i need you- please be more real to me right now it this place then ever before- guide and restore my soul- direct me- i am walking without sight right now...embrace and give me rest....."
it goes on...lots more really- but you see where i was just one year ago today at this exact moment- but a year does change things. I am in a better place- i am in a new ministry- Jesus was faithful then as He is today- it is hard to look back- it is hard to remember last year- it was crazy- but today is beautiful. I love what i do...i love the call He has placed on my heart- i just dont' always like putting my feet down on the path that is before me. fear is a crazy thing- so that is what i am working on right now- FEAR NOT- FOR I AM WITH YOU........yes He is...and for that alone i rejoice greatly- Jesus is my all...my rock...my hope in dark and troubled times...He has lead me and held me...He has covered and healed me.....He is still healing me...wounded and broken i shall always remain- but in that brokenness He shines- Thank you Jesus for the difference of a year.....Thank you for your faithfulness and your hand of grace, mercy and hope....thank you for people who stand in the gap so the bumps only sting and not bruise.....Praise the Lord for His is good- faithful- true.
walking forward with the story of the past to give me strength!